Monday, November 10, 2008

Today

I read nakedpastor. He's on my blog feed, so I see every post, and I am continually surprised and moved by his many faceted online witness. He is a painter: his paintings, especially those depicting loneliness or isolation, move me. He is a cartoonist: his panels range from the smiling, winking "Oh, yeah, isn't church like that?" to the truly provocative and even disturbing. He is a writer: his reflections on life, the pastorate, the church are always profound and edgy. He is a Christian: his struggles are laid bare on the page (screen) for us to read. It can be pretty raw. It is always real.

Today he posts a cartoon, "Closet Safety." It was inspired by this interview with Christian singer/ songwriter Ray Boltz, who has recently come out (after a thirty-year marriage with children) and is attending a Metropolitan Community Church in Florida.

The interview moved me. Boltz is not interested in being a poster boy for the gay community, but he recognizes, with humility, what his coming out will mean to many Christians who have loved his music over the years. I am still muddled on this issue, which seemed so clear to me months ago that I thought it was a matter of months, a year at most, until I would come out to my congregation. Today I am not so sure. I think I've said this here before: I wonder if it's because, as my relationship with my congregation deepens and grows, I become more cognizant of what I would lose, should I lose this relationship.

And-- honestly-- the current economic woes all Americans face have taken their toll on my enthusiasm for coming out as well. To give up a comfortable pastor's salary (interesting, isn't it, that I assume I'd be giving it up? where's the hope that I would be able to stay?) as my savings have been decimated by the recent downturn... I don't know if I can do that. At least, I don't think I can do it today.

Maybe that's a gift to me from the 12-step program: focus on today. Maybe that's all I can do: try to live with integrity today. I think that will have to be enough.

5 comments:

Sarah S-D said...

lots to discern, cecilia. keep breathing. let time reveal what is best and right. (((((cecilia)))))

August said...

(((((Hugs)))))

Wormwood's Doxy said...

You are not on any timetable but God's, Cecilia. Just keep walking toward the light, and I truly believe everything will work out in the end.

Pax,
Doxy

Jan said...

Thanks for the links. Cecilia, live one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time--all given by God.

Mariah and Byron Edgington said...

We have a big home, you can come live with us. Please visit our website. There are many straight couples who are going to carry this torch all the way to equality with you. We found your blog through Coralreef, we're holding you up in prayer. Namaste'