Thursday, December 31, 2009

Thanks for Jumping With Me

I am closing the book on what was close to the most important year of my life.

Others have been important, of course. The year I was born. The year I married my husband. The years in which my children were born. The year I was ordained, which was also the year my husband fell in love with the woman he will marry next year.

The year I began my relationship with Beloved.

But the year of coming out has been an extraordinary one. Glancing back through this blog, it is clear that an enormous amount of emotional and physical and spiritual energy was invested in the entire process, from the first inkling, to the decision (a very short time... days, really) to the act itself.

I am still coming out. I am coming out, most of all, to myself.

What does it mean to be open and transparent about my sexual identity as a lesbian in ministry? Hell, what would it mean to do the same as a straight woman? One thing it means is that there is no longer any space for any kind of pretense that I am a completely asexual being, like an angel, or an amoeba. It takes me out of the safe "don't ask, don't tell" zone, and places me, instead, in a place where:

~ I can learn about the truth of the lives of my parishioners and their families.

~ I can mention my Beloved without having to make up some story or scenario to account for the time I spend with her or commit to her.

~ I can preach without fear that my words will rebound upon me (when speaking of matters such as honesty or forgiveness). Well, that's not true. Every word I preaches rebounds on me, if I am honest. I preach no sermon that I personally don't need to hear. In fact, if I am thinking of a certain person when I write (as in, "Oh, I hope so-and-so takes this one to heart!") I can be sure, sure, sure, it's more pertinent to me than to him or her. I guess what I mean is that I don't have to fear "discovery" followed by accusation. I guess I just don't have to fear, period.

It's a strangely elated feeling. I am so, so grateful for the path God put me on this past year. I am so, so thrilled to not be hiding my life from my congregation any longer, and for the love and support of every single person who said "You can do this! We'll be right here beside you." Or, in the words of one colleague, "You jumped off a cliff. I'd like to jump with you."

Thank you for jumping with me. Wishing each of you a blessed and peaceful New Year, and the kind of good company I've enjoyed on the long fall back to earth.

11 comments:

God_Guurrlll said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You truly are an inspiration to me.

Peace and love,

Erp said...

I'm glad all seems to have turned out for the best. May next year be less fraught with worry.

SCG said...

What a year for you! May 2010 be a continuation of your coming out and coming into living fully as you were meant to be.

Mieke said...

welcome home darling.

Algernon said...

This is, I believe, the first time I have left a comment on your blog, but I have been reading for most of 2009. Congratulations and thank you for the example of courage and responsibility you have set in your actions and your forthright relationship with your congregation.

PamBG said...

Many blessings for 2010. It has been so inspiring to follow your story; thank you for having the courage to share so many aspects of it.

don't eat alone said...

Cecilia

Thanks for sharing the journey and the struggle; I am glad we also got to share in the grace you have found from God and from those around you.

Peace
Milton

IT said...

May you travel with a light foot and a serene heart into 2010.

Jan said...

Thank you for sharing so honestly. You really help others with your blog and your ministry. You are a beacon of hope for me in the Christian community.

Mary Beth said...

All love to you!!!

Sara said...

I'm a little late but, thank you for allowing us to jump along with you. You rock.