Thursday, November 15, 2007

Good Timing

Beloved and I had dinner last night. It was after a long day, and at the hump of a long week of meetings, hospital visits, volunteer obligations, busyness for my daughter, the tiniest bit of fretting about my son. It was so good to see her. It is always so good to see her. I sat across the table at the restaurant and grinned like a fool.

It came up because I shared with her what I shared here, about the artifact from that other time in my life. And Beloved responded as she often does to this topic: "Sometimes I think I could have been anyone." Ouch.

What she means is this: I was in such terrible pain, and had been longing for a relationship with a woman for so long, that I simply attached myself to the first available lesbian (and she complied, naturally).

I don't want to dismiss her anxiety about this out of hand. I recognize that we hurtled into our relationship... I saw it then, but was unwilling or disinclined to resist or slow down. It was like falling down the mountainside, as David Gray sings. Delicious, poignant, like being saved by letting go.

She saved me. She hates that notion. It seems so pathetic to her. Yet, she will admit... it wasn't all pathos. And yes, we rushed into a relationship. It was too soon after my breakup. And maybe it delayed my processing of that in some ways. But do I wish we hadn't done it? Not for a moment. Nor does she.

And she wasn't just 'any' person, though I hungered for a particular kind of love she was able to offer. I fell in love with her over Margaritas, that first night. She had this completely open heart. It was astonishing. We were both so wounded and so open at the same time.

What is good timing? I prayed that God would give me abundant life, and it was mine within a few months. Does that mean "God did it?" Even though I ask God for what I want and need, I don't tend to think of the Almighty as a Divine Candy Dispenser. In many ways I know it's offensive to attribute my good fortune in finding a love so right, right when I needed it, to the hand of the Almighty, who surely has more pressing things to worry about. (I had a friend who used to attribute great parking spaces to the Holy Spirit.) But I know countless others who wait and struggle and wonder where the hell God is in all this. So perhaps I really ought to leave God out of it.

Then again, God made Beloved. So, even on that level, I have to give thanks. And that she and her last girlfriend had been apart four years... and that was her moment of readiness: for that I give thanks. I give thanks for that open heart, and timing that was questionable and perfect.

I don't know. But I thank God for all of it.


LittleMary said...

first. i wish b. could get over this business of her just being around. i have seen her too many times to know that is true. second. thanks for your really good post on where god is in all this. i have been asking...

RevDrKate said...

This is so heartfelt and reflects so many of the questions I ask myself. Good timing....God's timing? Dear One and I "hurtled in" too, eleven plus years ago, we "saved" each other, we were both "answers to prayer" for each other that neither of us even knew we were asking for....I think, IMHO we can claim those things from the One who loves us beyond imagining. It is, after all, a little more significant than parking places. :) Blessings to you and Beloved!

Catt. said...

Everything leads us to where we are, right now. My life could have, should have, turned out so differently had I not chosen to take certain paths, or turned different corners.
Could the timing have been better for you and your beloved? Yes, absolutely! I believe that God would have still led you to be together. In hind sight, everything has led me to this place, while not perfect, exactly where I, we are supposed to be!

Anonymous said...

There is no One Perfect Partner readymade. There are just opportunities. The two of you find each other to be reasonable candidates, then you each grow into being more and more loving as time goes by. The opportunities and the support thereafter are all gifts from God.


sharecropper said...

Don't know what "good timing" would be for a relationship. God offers opportunities, and we have to reach out and take them. It's sort of like the God-phone to me; all I have to do is connect; the line is always open.

Anonymous said...

Oh NancyP, that sounds way too....rational. I think we do stumble into possibilities, and I suspect there are more possibilities than we acknowledge but I don't think most of us are looking for "reasonable candidates". We are looking for The One.

And I think many people never find The One. Which suggests to me that there aren't that many "resaonable candidates".

Hey, I'm allowed to be romantically irrational on this one subject, I found My One. If I believed in God I'd be thanking Him daily for the gift she is to my life. :-)


Anonymous said...

I had given up on the idea of True Love. And then I met mine.

I went through hell trying to deny it, because I was still married (though miserably) when I met him. I nearly killed myself out of despair and grief.

And then I let go. I did not have an affair, but I gave up the safety and security of my loveless marriage for a shot at happiness.

I have never regretted it for a moment. I was not wrong. He was/is the love of my life. Everything about our relationship feels holy and God-blessed. He brings out the very best in me, and has renewed my faith in a loving and merciful God.

The timing was rotten. I sinned to be with him. But I am alive in all ways because I did.

Cecilia said...

I love this online community. I so appreciate everyone's sharing of their experience.

Anonymous, I'd like to say that I think remaining in a marriage without love may be the sin. I don't know. I know my husband left me for just that reason... he seems happy. I was tempted to do that ten years before he did it (leave the marriage for another woman!), and concluded there was real love for me in the marriage. (As well as young children.)

I honestly don't think God judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves.

Anonymous said...

Yes, C, and that's one of the things I really wonder about this religion stuff of yours (pl). SO many faiths believe one should just gut it out and be miserable in a marriage that isn't working, rather than find happiness, and, well, blessings in a relationship that does. It just challenges all logic that so many faiths would rather see people miserable for 30 years than happy.