Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One-Two Punch

Feels like the events of the last week are taking a toll on me emotionally.

The conversation with LCC has left me with a feeling of dis-ease. Yes it was loving. Yes it was gentle. But at its heart was a denial of the legitimacy of my ministry, my call. And I took the bait. I don't think I made this clear in my original post, but I immediately offered to not teach the class about which she was concerned. I was all too ready to cede my pastoral authority. I bemoaned this with a dear one last weekend over coffee, and she said something that's resonating with me:

It's ok to duck a few. You don't have to lean into every punch.

And my friend the pastor with the legal troubles: Oh God. The damage he has left in his wake. His partner. Their finances. A good social services organization that is left literally penniless, board members scrambling to take out loans in order to pay their bills. People left, literally homeless. A church shattered. People who loved and encouraged and supported him, shattered.

As I type this I am becoming angrier and angrier. My own voice echoes in my head, conversations I've had with others about this man. My voice saying, with confidence, He's such a good guy.

Beautiful and broken.

And I am distracted, heartbroken, and, for the first time in six months, afraid. I'm feeling afraid again.

Lord have mercy.

9 comments:

knittinpreacher said...

(((you)))

God_Guurrlll said...

I feel your pain and dissapointment. ((you))

August said...

i like that - "it's ok to duck a few; you don't have to lean into every punch."

plus - i guess you can chalk it up as a learning experience. next time you won't relinquish your authority so willingly, right?

i don't know what to say about your pastor friend - that is just. awful.

Rev SS said...

dang! prayers for his congregation and friends ... especially you

Sophia said...

Oh, dear one, so sorry. You are in my prayers....and thank you so very much for yours on Saturday. They left me peaceful and stable and singing Godspell all the way home and were part of the armor of Godde protecting me on Sunday.

Sara said...

Don't let it get to you, look forward at your ministry. I don't know about you, but I can reply situations like that in my mind until I go crazy. Don't. Move on. Like August said, a learning experience.

As for your friend, only he knows the hell he's been living in. So much damage.

Karen said...

(((you)))

Prayers for you and yours.

Just me said...

Thinking of you!

Rock in the Grass (Pete Grassow) said...

isn't it stange how we want preachers of the Gospel to be stronger and more perfect: but the fact is that we are all fragile and struggling! I am reminded of the aphorism that a minister of the Gospel is just one sinner telling another where to find Grace.
I pray for you to be supported by the Grace of God - and ask you to pray for us who also need the Grace of God.