Beloved and I have just returned from a several day festival at a city not too far away, where everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, was Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queer.
It was heaven.
We held hands. We gazed into one another's eyes over dinner at a spectacular restaurant. We did NOT make out publicly; we're lesbians of a certain age, and we leave that sort of thing to the young (such as the twenty-five-ish girls at the next table who were engaged in quite a bit of lip-chewing). But we were very together, very publicly, in that safe, safe space.
So this is what it's like!
I have so appreciated everyone's responses to my recent post "Four Options: a Cycle." I think there is great truth to what many of you say; I seem to be leaning increasingly towards the "option" of being out in the world. I put "option" in quotes, because, as many have pointed out, that is the direction in which I am heading, no matter how I hesitate or pretend to myself that I have some decision to make. I continue to do things such as take trips with Beloved and spend time with her very publicly even in our own community. Large numbers of LGBTQ folks know about us, and it is only a matter of time, really, before the communities of my life intersect.
My greatest hope is to be able to do it all with integrity, not to skulk or try to hide, but, when the time is come, to simply smile and say, "Yes. This is my life. And I believe that God blesses my love. And I believe that by my fruits in both my personal life and in my ministry, you shall know me."
I am grateful that my children know me fully, that my ex-husband is supportive, and that Beloved knows from personal experience the pain and beauty of coming out after a long time in the closet.
The roller-coaster is nearing the summit. Time to let go and experience the terror and exhilaration of the fall.
11 comments:
Congratulations! May the joy continue and the transition be safe and life-giving for you both.
You go girl!
Oh god, hun, what a beautiful post. I pray that things continue to go smoothly and that you and your Beloved can continue to be together, openly, yourselves as you are.
"Yes, this is my life...." Indeed, that is what it's like, what it's meant to be.
How wonderful to be reminded of what it once felt like to be startled into knowing one's love and one's place in life.
I'm so glad of your festival days and walking in the light. May your faith and courage remain strong.
Riding shotgun down the avalanche....This slow skiing is picking up speed, and that's very exciting. I wish you a safe and happy landing. What a thrill the festival must have been! I'm so pleased for you. Just know that I keep you (and Beloved) in my prayers.
I must say, I feel so bad that we heteros can hold hands and kiss goodbye and (if so inclined) indulge in PDAs pretty much anywhere, without incriminations, and go to movies where our preferences are always paramount. I am sorry.
I am glad you had the space this weekend. I hope that someday you will have the space everywhere.
I don't want to influence you even further towards option number #2, but just think! Think of living every day where you could be this open with your Beloved. Think of dinners like that every night. Wouldn't it be loverly?
I have been following your story and think you are amazing. I am so glad you had such a great weekend. Peace to you!
Authenticity is so hard and so necessary. I hope that you just ease over the summit and on into the place you are meant to be.
Thank you so much, all of you, for these loving and supportive posts.
Pax, C.
Let go, and let God! I know it's a cliché, but it works for me. In our family, when we talk about "letting go", we hold our palms open and face down. Can't hold on to anything that way.
Let the worlds collide and freedom abound. I feel very badly for those who have to go through the "collision" while still hiding.
Oh, and regarding that roller coaster ride -- Be sure to take a barf bag! You'll likely need it from time-to-time, but that too will pass.
I wish none of the struggle were necessary for you: if there were justice, it would not be happening.
God bless your courage and integrity, and may the hearts of all who know you be moved to openness and love.
Many years ago, when my friend came out, I realized that I was more fully myself when he was able to be his full self. Your coming out, however and whenever it happens, will be a gift to everyone it touches. May they come to accept the gift of your truth.
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