There is an intensity with which I am experiencing my interactions with my congregation right now. I look out at them from the pulpit, and I know we are connected... my words, my preaching and prayers... they receive them with joy. They share with me their gratitude. It is as if everything is in sharp, sharp focus right now, the stillness before the storm (maybe).
Some mornings I awake before the alarm with my heart racing, thudding in my chest as if I've been running. Some nights I dream about running. The other night I dreamed I was on a bus in a large city, and it took me some time to realize I was traveling in the exact opposite direction from my intended destination. The bus driver and his son (a boy about 11, a little pudgy, silent and dark and sweet) and I were the only people on the bus, and beautiful, melancholy music was playing.
I shared with my therapist that I am experiencing my anxiety about all this on a very primal, childish level. I don't articulate it that I am worried about broken relationships (though I am), I don't articulate it that I fear people's expressions of anger (though I do). I articulate it like this, a very small child saying in a tiny voice, "They're going to be mad at me."
A dear friend has offered to begin teaching me Tai Chi. That starts on Tuesday this week. After a long time of no swimming or walking, Beloved and I resume tomorrow (or bust!). My diet finally (after some rocky months) feels as if it's in a good place again.
And an interesting thing has happened with my Lenten discipline of daily scripture readings following the lectionary. I noticed today... it's a kind of turn, an orientation towards scripture my heart takes, or my psyche. I am always inclined towards scripture-- of course. But (especially when the day offers choice morsels such as this and this) it can be rough going. And then I realized today... I was visiting a parishioner, bringing her communion, and I opened my little Bible to read, and even at the sight of unreadable words racing by as the pages fluttered open, my heart sang, just a little bit. I felt the sensation of love. I love to read these words, I love believing that Godde speaks to me through them (and also, the people of Godde, and that's the tricky part... trying to suss out the difference). I feel a sense of ownership-- my words, my book, my Godde, ready, always, to speak words of love, consolation and challenge.