Sunday, March 15, 2009

Lent: 3rd Sunday

There is an intensity with which I am experiencing my interactions with my congregation right now. I look out at them from the pulpit, and I know we are connected... my words, my preaching and prayers... they receive them with joy. They share with me their gratitude. It is as if everything is in sharp, sharp focus right now, the stillness before the storm (maybe).

Some mornings I awake before the alarm with my heart racing, thudding in my chest as if I've been running. Some nights I dream about running. The other night I dreamed I was on a bus in a large city, and it took me some time to realize I was traveling in the exact opposite direction from my intended destination. The bus driver and his son (a boy about 11, a little pudgy, silent and dark and sweet) and I were the only people on the bus, and beautiful, melancholy music was playing.

I shared with my therapist that I am experiencing my anxiety about all this on a very primal, childish level. I don't articulate it that I am worried about broken relationships (though I am), I don't articulate it that I fear people's expressions of anger (though I do). I articulate it like this, a very small child saying in a tiny voice, "They're going to be mad at me."


A dear friend has offered to begin teaching me Tai Chi. That starts on Tuesday this week. After a long time of no swimming or walking, Beloved and I resume tomorrow (or bust!). My diet finally (after some rocky months) feels as if it's in a good place again.

And an interesting thing has happened with my Lenten discipline of daily scripture readings following the lectionary. I noticed today... it's a kind of turn, an orientation towards scripture my heart takes, or my psyche. I am always inclined towards scripture-- of course. But (especially when the day offers choice morsels such as this and this) it can be rough going. And then I realized today... I was visiting a parishioner, bringing her communion, and I opened my little Bible to read, and even at the sight of unreadable words racing by as the pages fluttered open, my heart sang, just a little bit. I felt the sensation of love. I love to read these words, I love believing that Godde speaks to me through them (and also, the people of Godde, and that's the tricky part... trying to suss out the difference). I feel a sense of ownership-- my words, my book, my Godde, ready, always, to speak words of love, consolation and challenge.

Especially, now.


LittleMary said...

beautiful love. just beautiful.

Vitality Leaps said...

Hello Cecelia
I have followed your blog since October - silently cheering for you. I am a committed Christian who believed that I the only choice I had, was to have a heterosexual relationship, but last summer I fell in love with a friend, who then came out to me. Your words have brought encouragement and truth to a time of hard decisions and trying to be right with God and family. I have even taken up blogging (vitalityleaps.blogspot), am writing poetry, playing my guitar and singing and trully living again. I am a very open person, so it goes against the grain for me to keep that I am in love from anyone but it is not just my news. I have told close friends and family, but I want to know where this is going before I challenge wider family with this revelation. Friends from church have been remarkably supportive - some would have me repent, but many want me to be true to who I am. It is hard to dig up a foundation of your faith - that what the bible says is God's words then and now - and I feel a little lost in this place without certainties - where I have to think and weigh up things for myself. But I know inevitably that when I have rebuilt my understanding of faith it will be much stronger - if less definite. Thank you for helping me to be me. A

Sarah S-D said...

i'm with l.m.. absolutely beautiful. shimmering like only a few blog posts do.

vitality leaps, i'm so glad you found cecilia, and that you have found love. i just know God is glad too.

may peace find you both.

and oh my, cecilia, the sharpness of the interactions. oh my. receive this as gift, i think. scary gift, i know. ((((cecilia))))