Oh the ride I am on my friends.
As I did tai chi this morning (Yang style, I have learned) my instructor (my most excellent, most admirable instructor in oh so many things) paused, turned around to me and said, "It's so amazing that in your coming out you have to manage so many other people's anxiety.
Yesterday I got a call from a higher-up in my local/ regional governing body. This is someone with whom I had shared information about my relationship with Beloved this past January, in the midst of scary medical stuff. I needed to let her know that, hey, I might not make that particular meeting, because the love of my life might be in the operating room under a rib-spreader. (Thank God, that did not happen. I'd have mentioned it.) She was very pastoral and supportive.
Early in Lent I also shared with this woman the road the lectionary readings seemed to be taking me down, the Coming Out road. She listened pastorally, again, and I had the sense that she was in my corner.
Fast forward to yesterday, something like 48 hours before the Plan was to be put into action.
She was trying to talk me out of it. Much of it feels unbloggable, because I have an ongoing working relationship with this woman as a colleague. But... it was as if she had opened my head and was pouring a great whopping dose of fear in there.
In the end, I think she did me a favor, because, instead of becoming afraid, I got mad.
Again... not to go into the unbloggable, but I made it clear that:
The train has left the station.
I do indeed understand the church rules and regs.
I believe that integrity requires this of me, at this time (which I hasten to say-- oh, please hear me-- is NOT a judgement on anyone else's decisions or choices about how out or closeted to be).
This is not about wanting to be a test case or poster girl or crusader. This is about my relationship with my congregation, and wanting it to be genuine. This is about no longer being willing to act as if my life and love are shameful things. They are not.
That said, if my action helps-- anyone, anywhere, including my local colleagues and congregation-- well, then, I'm glad for that. Very glad.
And so, I will be coming out to my church council tomorrow evening at 7 PM [EST], and to my congregation by the letter they will receive on Thursday (hot off the presses, in a folder with lots of envelopes to be stuffed by Beloved and me tonight).
I feel a little like I'm on a roller coaster that has crested the first, tall hill. There's nothing to do bur throw my hands into the air and enjoy the ride.
But... uh... keep praying, y'all.