Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Ride

Oh the ride I am on my friends.

As I did tai chi this morning (Yang style, I have learned) my instructor (my most excellent, most admirable instructor in oh so many things) paused, turned around to me and said, "It's so amazing that in your coming out you have to manage so many other people's anxiety.

Yes indeedy.

Yesterday I got a call from a higher-up in my local/ regional governing body. This is someone with whom I had shared information about my relationship with Beloved this past January, in the midst of scary medical stuff. I needed to let her know that, hey, I might not make that particular meeting, because the love of my life might be in the operating room under a rib-spreader. (Thank God, that did not happen. I'd have mentioned it.) She was very pastoral and supportive.

Early in Lent I also shared with this woman the road the lectionary readings seemed to be taking me down, the Coming Out road. She listened pastorally, again, and I had the sense that she was in my corner.

Fast forward to yesterday, something like 48 hours before the Plan was to be put into action.

She was trying to talk me out of it. Much of it feels unbloggable, because I have an ongoing working relationship with this woman as a colleague. But... it was as if she had opened my head and was pouring a great whopping dose of fear in there.

In the end, I think she did me a favor, because, instead of becoming afraid, I got mad.

Again... not to go into the unbloggable, but I made it clear that:

The train has left the station.

I do indeed understand the church rules and regs.

I believe that integrity requires this of me, at this time (which I hasten to say-- oh, please hear me-- is NOT a judgement on anyone else's decisions or choices about how out or closeted to be).

This is not about wanting to be a test case or poster girl or crusader. This is about my relationship with my congregation, and wanting it to be genuine. This is about no longer being willing to act as if my life and love are shameful things. They are not.

That said, if my action helps-- anyone, anywhere, including my local colleagues and congregation-- well, then, I'm glad for that. Very glad.

And so, I will be coming out to my church council tomorrow evening at 7 PM [EST], and to my congregation by the letter they will receive on Thursday (hot off the presses, in a folder with lots of envelopes to be stuffed by Beloved and me tonight).

I feel a little like I'm on a roller coaster that has crested the first, tall hill. There's nothing to do bur throw my hands into the air and enjoy the ride.

But... uh... keep praying, y'all.

41 comments:

Hol said...

I'm at the very start of my journey towards coming out. Thanks for your honesty. Your courage in the face of everything just brought a tear o my eye.

hol said...

just got a bit paranoid that i didn't log out of my blogger account. If i didn't could you not approve the last comment i posted... and, er, this one obviously...

Rock in the Grass (Pete Grassow) said...

Hugs and Kisses

Erp said...

Not being a theist, I won't pray, but, I can at least hope for the best for you and yours.

suzanne said...

I do so admire your prayerfulness and thoughtfulness in following the lectionary this Lent. God will be with you tomorrow night because he loves YOU and Beloved.

Your church will be fine. There will be a handful of people who will never get it, but then the world is full of those folks.

You and Beloved are in my prayers. You are doing the right thing.

Sue

Anonymous said...

Dear Cecilia,
You are certainly in my prayers, especially on this coming Wednesday and Thursday. You are quite right: this is about you and your sense of integrity, wholeness. We each find that in different ways, at different times. My best to you as this journey unfolds. Dcn. January 736

Sophia said...

Thanks for keeping us posted, dear friend....Lots and lots of prayers coming your way.

(((Cecilia)))

DJCinSB said...

My the God of grace and compassion be with you as you take this courageous step.

Peace.

- DJCinSB

Songbird said...

I will be praying, actively!

Saintly Ramblings said...

Keeping you in prayer as you take this next step on your road to being fully who you are called to be. It's a privilege to watch your path, albeit from the sidelines.

KJ said...

The Gospel according to Sarcasmus:

But Jesus, realizing that revealing who he was was just begging for trouble, pretended to be somebody else and slipped into obscurity.

Mary Sue said...

Ah, yes. The Ride. I know this ride! I rode it at Disneyland! You're at the part where it's racheting up the hill and you know that there's going to be a whole lotta gut-wrenching freefall in your future!

Just remember, after the freefall, there's the nice relaxing float.

(Then another fall. And then some more floating. Then a double fall. And then there's singing and audioanimatronic figures and you can wave at the people going by in the train... and I think I've taken this metaphor as far as it'll go)

susankay said...

Hugs, prayers and admiration.

God_Guurrlll said...

I will be praying for you. Thank God for you and your couragousness. Don't let the turkeys get you down and remember that your coming out will be transformative for many.

Peace and love,

Auntie Knickers said...

Prayers and thoughts and positive energy for you. And blessings!

Sara said...

I can't believe it's here. Isn't your integrity what it's about? That's how (at least one of the ways) those of us who have never met you, can sense God in you. The way you are handling this is great modeling for those who are in the same place. Peace, courage, love and happiness for you and your Beloved.

Think of all of us in a virtual hug around you as you go forward.

Praying, praying, praying

Wormwood's Doxy said...

With you all the way, my friend--I'll be storming heaven until you tell me that it's safe to stop.

Pax,
Doxy

FranIAm said...

Oh - you are amazing. You got angry instead of afraid.

Praying and praying and praying.

Anonymous said...

God be with you as God has given you the strength to truly be yourself, who you were created to be. I pray that this moment will be one of unburdening and that you will truly feel free.

Jules said...

Hi! I've just recently come across your blog.

I just wanted to thank you for you sharing your story. I am not out to my parents, but to pretty much everyone else in my life. The wear it takes sometimes is over whelming. I don't know when I'll come out to them, but I do know your story has been a blessing to me in the short time I have been reading!

Blessings to you and your Beloved!

Jules

Jane R said...

Dear Cecilia,

Praying for you this evening and this week. May all go well. No, actually: it WILL go well because YOU are well. You are at peace with Godde, you love Beloved, you know and live your vocation. Whatever happens, you are blessed and brace. And Godde will be with you. And we your friends will no abandon you.

Let the church say "Amen." This is what I pray.

Choralgirl said...

Go, girl! Praying for you, hoping for you, admiring you, loving you. :-)

Suzer said...

I'll be holding you close in prayer, and know that Wisdom has led you to this place. Praise God that the need to be honest and authentic is greater than your fear! Praise God that you got angry and chose integrity over the closet. What a great weight will be lifted from you. Certainly, the road you tread will be rocky, but now at least you are on it, instead of hidden behind the door waiting to show the world the fullness of who you are.

So many people are with you right now in prayer and in spirit. I hope you will be able to feel that over the next few days and weeks.

Chris said...

Many prayers are being guided your way. May God's grace guide all the actions that follow in the coming days and weeks.

Erika Baker said...

I'm so pleased that you did not allow yourself to be filled with that woman's fear! Because it is her fear, not yours!
Ongoing prayers. What courage!! You are amazing.

PamBG said...

Praying for you. Consider a virtual candle to have been lit.

David said...

My first visit here Cecilia, and that due to the good offices of our dear Jane Redmont.

I am deeply touched by your grace and courage, and this evening as you come out to your church council I will be sitting in prayer and practice, in solidarity with you and your Beloved.

As your brother gay Christian, I would dare to suggest that your decision has all the marks of the Holy Spirit on it.

You write 'This is about my relationship with my congregation, and wanting it to be genuine. This is about no longer being willing to act as if my life and love are shameful things. They are not'

Sounds almost scriptural to be- 'that we might have life more abundantly' This is about authenticity- recognizing, honouring and embracing that unique child of God you were created, to fulfill that equally unqiue ministry you've been called to- all to God's greater glory.

with love and prayers, for you Cecilia, for Beloved, for your congregation and denomination.

David@Montreal

August said...

just seeing this. you blow me away!

LittleMary said...

hugs, kisses, love, teddy bears and strawberries.i love you so, you continue to be my hero, you know.

Sarah S-D said...

praying, praying, praying.... and may peace be with you.

and... lord... your conversation with that certain someone who once was supportive... glad you didn't let it undo you.

almost there. love to you and yours. i prayed before bed last night that you would get sleep last night. did you?

wordwise said...

I am praying for you. I've been reading your entries since I found your blog sometime during Lent. My prayer for you today is that the sense of calm, of God's presence with and within you, will over-ride the fear and give you the strength, mental acuity, and love you will need during the meeting tomorrow night.

Be well and go with God.

Cynthia said...

You're definitely in my prayers.

Jane R said...

Just a note on this Wednesday afternoon to say I am thinking of you and sending prayer and accompaniment of solidarity and friendship. Walk in beauty and peace. The saints surround you. Christ is with you, before you, below you, above you. The Spirit will give you the words you need. Godde will keep your heart whole and strong.

don't eat alone said...

Cecilia

I've followed your journey through this blog for a couple of years now and have seen now you have come prayerfully to this place and this move toward wholeness and integration in your life, which is the right direction. God's speed and lots of love to you.

Peace,
Milton

DaveW said...

Prayers in progress for a brave and lovely lady.

jsd said...

Prayers to you this day and those coming.

Mary Beth said...

Praying, praying, praying. Much love to you and yours.

Jones said...

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. I admire you for your honesty and integrity as a servant of God.

sharecropper said...

Hey, Lady! Wholeness is the name of the game, and I pray that is what you will find along with love and community and faithfulness and trust. Keep us posted 'cause we love you. ((((((((Cecelia))))))))

Kirstin said...

I came over from Jane at Acts of Hope.

You've done it by now--and I hope that coming out has given you peace. You are brave and strong.

All blessings.

Jan said...

It's over; prayers and love. Hope you're okay.