Tuesday, May 26, 2009

So Much to Say

So much to say... and so much is unbloggable.

I continue to have wonderfully rich (and emotionally exhausting) conversations with folks from church. (Why did it not occur to me how much harder it would be that I am the subject of these conversations... unlike 95% of the conversations I normally have with congregants? It exerts a certain pressure, and, paradoxically, is gloriously freeing.)

I continue to have other issues that arise as all the emotions swirling around coming out continue to be processed. One involves feelings about friends who don't respond in precisely the way I would like them to respond... surprising levels of anger there, which... well, it's just surprising. Maybe because I expect them to intuitively know exactly what I need from them and feel betrayed if they don't give it? Feels a little unlike "me" as I've experienced myself (but they can correct me if I'm wrong... and, I trust they will!).

Blah blah blah. That last paragraph was uninteresting.

Continue to be blessed by scripture. From this morning's reading from Hebrews:

We have this hope, a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters the inner shrine behind the curtain... [6:19]

This resonates and buzzes in me.

And I continue to be blessed by those who love me. Case in point: Larry O, pulling out his ever-present guitar and saying, "This song feels like it's about coming out. I want to play it for you." (And sounding stunningly like Teh Matthews himself in his playing).



Have a lovely day.

3 comments:

Choralgirl said...

It's a complicated thing, really, coming out in a community. How much to share, how to not feel like you're stuck in the center (as opposed to, say, Christ in the center...) over the long term, and how to deal with the tsunami of emotions that come unbidden.

I think that most people, upon opening the closet door, experience a minor avalanche of emotional shoeboxes, basketballs, extension cords and stuffed animals falling on their heads...things they'd forgotten they were keeping in that closet.

It was certainly true for me!

Persevere, and take good care of yourself in the meantime. Remember what's really in the center. :-)

Big, squishy hug--

Cecilia said...

I think that most people, upon opening the closet door, experience a minor avalanche of emotional shoeboxes, basketballs, extension cords and stuffed animals falling on their heads...things they'd forgotten they were keeping in that closet.May I just say... that is genius?

Pax, C.

Sara said...

I imagine your emotions are a little raw right now. We've all been guilty of expecting our loved ones to read our minds, intuitively know what we need. That's especially true for us girly types I think.

You're still in the really bumpy stage of all this, it will smooth out and your new "normal" will set in. Like the wise Choralgirl says, persevere and take care of yourself.

love and hugs and prayers