Thursday, April 19, 2012

I Just Can't Quit You

So. I am, once again, in that coffee shop in my daughter's college town.  I am here to see her in a musical that is probably one of my very favorites, an amazing combination of 19th century German and 21st century US pop/rock. Petra is playing the part of a young woman whose parents abuse her, and singing a heart-rending song along those lines.

It is a long drive from home to here. But, God, I miss the girl, and it is really great to anticipate seeing her (which I shall, as soon as her opening night performance is over. I see the show tomorrow.)

So, multiple times over the past months I have thought, I should just shut down this blog. It has been a source of consternation for me since the revelation that my content here was being read by someone near to me, who was hurt by it. (Read the word "near" and understand that it carries significant complexity.) Since then, I have hesitated to write in a very personal vein, though I certainly shared lots about my dad in my most recent posts (from five months ago. Ahem.)

Anyway, each time I think, yeah, I'm done, it's time to shut this puppy down... a comment comes in. Which astonishes me. People find this blog and they read it and they comment, and then I think, well, perhaps it still serves some kind of purpose.

So, here I am. Still. I have recently had the joy of seeing my church and my ministry welcome in more members of the LGBTQ community, in small and subtle but still somehow significant ways. No one in my church (I think I can say this with a lot of confidence) wants to see the feel of the church changed. No one wants a "gay" church, including me. That may sound self-hating, but all I mean by it is, I want everyone to feel welcome. I know that is complicated and not always easy to achieve, but it is my goal. For LGBTQ folks who hanker after a faith community with all people who are 'in the family,' there are options, including the wonderful and amazing MCC. My church, though, is a place where I hope that LGBTQ people other than I can be made to feel as welcome as... well, as I have felt. Big old lesbian that I am.

Once again, we had a Holy Week and Easter experience that was amazingly wondrous. Once again, on Easter Sunday afternoon, I was so tired I thought I might lay down in the tomb myself, but after a three hour nap awoke to make bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches with my Beloved feeling that, my, we DID that. We DID Holy Week. We were there, from Palms through betrayal and anointing (I preached on Mark 14 on Maundy Thursday) and meal and arrest, the long walk to the cross, and the surrendering, all of it, every pain and every breath. We were there. Our hearts were, at any rate. And Easter Sunday was as joyous and transcendent as I could have hoped, from Sunrise Service to Festive Worship... to nap. God, I love Easter. Goodness is stronger than evil. Indeed.

So, UnCloseted Pastor blog, I will not quit you, not just yet, not now. I will attempt, again, to be present here. Perhaps a post soon on a recent continuing ed experience I found also to be transcendent. Perhaps more on Beloved. But I will still be here, from time to time. Thanks for continuing to show up. I'll try to do the same.


Anonymous said...

Thank you, welcome back.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Yay! I've missed your voice....

As for that person--I suspect what really "hurt" was finding that the story zie tells hirself about whatever-it-was was not universally shared. No one likes to be criticized--but it might behoove hir to reflect on whatever-it-was you said and ask hirself honestly if there might not be some truth in whatever-it-was you wrote.

There are always three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the Cold Hard Truth. ;-)


Anonymous said...

Welcome back! I am glad you decided to continue to blog.

Unknown said...

I'm glad you're here. Your story has meant so much to me.

Anonymous said...

Thats trully amazing to read how we are able to express our feelings wthout been judge by people that they do not know that we are humans and that we are creation of our God this is my firts time in this blog and Im trully happy that I found some one that loves and serves the Lord no matter of our sexual orientation thanks for sharing your story

Nancy said...

I hadn't been by as I thought you'd gone away.

I appreciate your writing, wit, struggles, honesty.

Glad you're staying around.

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Anonymous said...

I am so glad that you did not shut this blog down. I am a 21 year old closeted, self-loathing Christian lesbian who only recently found your blog.I get so depressed sometimes because I still can't believe that I can be a lesbian and be a Christian; I feel that if I were to ever allow myself to actually love and engage with another woman, I might not make it into heaven because it's a lifestyle of "sin" (even as a 5 year old, I would cry myself to sleep for being "in love" with the student teacher aide, and thinking I was going to hell for just liking her!). So instead, I live a life of involuntary celibacy and yearn for companionship and love that I know I can never have because of my fear of eternal damnation. I found your blog a few days ago and have barely scratched the surface on your posts, but I hope that through further exploration (which I will get to as soon as I finish these dang-blasted finals!!) I can find your justification (if that's the word) for being not just a Christian lesbian, but a PASTOR living a lesbian lifestyle. Because honestly, when I think of living the rest of my life with no hope of love and in constant denial of self, it makes me wish I were dead. But my hope is that I can become at peace with myself and my spirit about my homosexuality (which I feel I was born with; I definitely don't choose to like girls), because praying the gay away for the past 16 years has not worked, and I don't think it can ever possibly work (insert [Macklemore's "Same Love"] here). If you or anyone reading this comment knows of any good resources that might help on my journey for self-approval, please email me at labeha @live . com (no spaces). I pray that God continues to bless you and fills your life with love as you continue your invaluable ministry.

Cecilia said...

Anonymous... wherever you are, whoever you are: God is love. Love is the total of the law and the prophets, as Jesus said. If you are reading a Bible that has the word "homosexual" in it-- anywhere, Romans, Leviticus, anywhere-- you are reading a bad and incorrect translation.

God loves you. Who you love is part of how God made you. Blessings.