Thursday, May 29, 2008

Still, Selah

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;
though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble with its tumult. Selah
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved; God will help it when the morning dawns.
The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
Come, behold the works of the Lord; see what desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth.”
The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah ~Psalm 46

There are certain psalms that peel me open just a little bit; I have a physical reaction to them. This is one. So well known. So present with me at selected times of tumult and earthquake. (I recognize the potential for self-pity of the upper-middle class white American female, even the closeted lesbian that I am... I have no intention to compare the plights of my own heartbreak and fear to those of people pulling their children's bodies out from the rubble of their schools in the Sichuan province).

I remember reading this psalm with a start on 9/11/01, as the top of my head metaphorically opened up and new possibilities-- scary ones-- entered in.

Though the earth should change...

I remember reading this psalm as my marriage was ending and I didn't see a path before me, at least not one beyond "Get up tomorrow, feed the kids, go to work."

I will not fear...

I remember reading this psalm a moment ago, as I pondered the GLBT-friendly announcement I have placed in this Sunday's bulletin, and heard back almost immediately that a staff person was disturbed by it.

Though my job security should shake and plunge into the sea...

I remember reading this psalm a year from now, when I am out and everyone in the whole world knows about me, and I either have a church call or I don't, and I either have my ministry or I don't.

God will help me when morning dawns...

I remember reading this psalm ten years from now, when Beloved and I are living together at last.

Be still...

And selah.

12 comments:

The Swandive said...

This is just so stunningly beautiful. Selah. Amen.

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

Beautiful post, brave wishes.

I feel moved to say this to you:

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

Songbird said...

I hope that morning comes quickly and beautifully, that your wait is not so long.
God bless you.

Hidden in Christ said...

i continue to pray for God's perfect timing to be revealed to you as you journey through the coming out process that you and i both are on! it continues to give me comfort knowing i'm not the only closeted christian in full-time ministry. keep writing. God uses you in my life :)

Jan said...

Thank you, Cecilia. This was our meditation in our lectio group this week, and it moved me to tears. May God empower you.

FranIAm said...

I was all teared up by the end.

It is an honor to walk with you in the blogworld Cecilia.

Selah selah indeed.

God is with you my friend.

Choralgirl said...

Courage, sister. :-)

One foot in front of the other. You're doing great!

And this is lovely, BTW.

Diane said...

oh, Amen. and prayers.

Suzer said...

Oh Cecilia -- this moved me so.

Reading your blog has been so important to me. Having been hurt (spiritually and emotionally) by a closeted pastor who still, for all intents and purposes, remains closeted even though she no longer has to, I can only commend you for your courage and your honesty. You truly seem to be moving toward an authenticity that may carry some difficult consequences. But God, and Love, cannot be stopped.

I do fear for you - I fear for you greatly. I can only hope to meet you someday in real life. Having been denied ministering by one closeted pastor, you may not realize how valuable your virtual ministry here has been to me.

God bless you, dear friend, and may God fill you and your Beloved with Strength, Grace and Wisdom in the days ahead. Know that many of us are with you in spirit, if not in real life.

Jennifer said...

The One who was and is and is to come....indeed, that One is with you every step of the way. Be still and know....

Wormwood's Doxy said...

What moved me the most was your vision of the future. May the Lord make it so!

Jane R said...

Dear Cecilia, Thank you for this moving post and continued prayers as you move forward, at your own pace and Godde's own pace, in this frightening and hopeful journey.