Monday, January 12, 2009

That's What You Get (Said My Lying Little Mind)

Remember all my postiness about diet and 12-step groups and related issues?

I am struggling. For the first time in a long time, since, say, back in April and May. I am on my fourth "Day 1" in about the space of ten days.

"That's what you get," said my mind to me as I sat down and tried to write this. "That's what you get for bragging."

I had an uneasy feeling after I posted the New Year's Day post, which was only made exponentially worse by the one in which I'd put my high weight out there the next day. The feeling was "You'll never make it. You'll never hold onto it. You'll slip and slide and gain it all back, just like you have each and every time before."

And I found myself over the last ten days slipping and sliding all over the place, like someone trying to navigate black ice on crutches. This morning I talked to my sponsor about it... again... and we agreed that I needed to make some changes.

One of them is that I'm getting back in touch with my therapist. Not with the one who got me into the 12-step program, the one I saw when my marriage was unraveling. I have spent the holidays living in echoes of that lost relationship, so much so that I have found myself really, really grieving.

At this point in the blogpost, I am going to feel under pressure to reiterate how much I am in love with Beloved, how she is one of the best things that ever happened to me, yada yada yada. You know it all. All true. But the other truth is this: I jumped into this relationship headfirst while I was still mired in devastating grief, and I simply walked away from the work that grief entailed. Not so smart, really. But you know the heart, and what Woody Allen says about it.

So today I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and I'm waiting for a call-back from that nice couples' therapist who I'm hoping will see me solo.

And also I'm weighing and measuring my food and striving to get through just this one day.

Thanks for listening.

14 comments:

Arkansas Hillbilly said...

Cecilia,

Hang in there, dearheart. As a former slave to nicotine, I know what it's like to fight an addiction. There are highs and lows, but you just have to keep your focus on right now. No matter what, most of us following your blog are proud of you, no matter how this turns out. I'll keep you in my prayers.

The Hillbilly

klady said...

My heart aches for you Cecelia, and I understand more than you can know. Please do not let this set you back. I lost 75 lbs. a few years ago (not to mention countless 10-40 lb. ups and downs over the last 40 years) and I did, in fact, gain it back this last time (having said never again), but I'm ready to start once more all over again.

I'm sure you will not slip so far and will soon get things under control (or rather be at peace with doing the best you can one day at a time with the grace of the one who is in control). As I was tearing myself up about this and other things (so many times in my life I have fallen down and had trouble getting back up again), just this weekend, I was comforted by our sermon yesterday on the Baptism of Christ -- about how our baptism makes us marked by Christ so that we can always return, if need be, as prodigal children to Christ and our baptismal promise. For those who do not know how hard it is to break away from a lifetime of resorting to food as solace, they cannot imagine how the temptation is not towards pleasure in the usual sense but rather just numbing the pain and surviving when it seems to be the only way. Of course it's not the only or the best way. I'm not giving up myself, and I know you will not either. I just pray you are not too hard on yourself.

Do not fear to celebrate the good times. I think of all the times when my weight has been down when I've refused to be photographed just out of habit. And what counts is not so much the number on the scale for the day but the freedom of living without the fatigue, poor health, and mental anguish of recklessly eating too much. Take a deep breath and start over.

Prayers and hugs,

K.

Suzer said...

I hear you Cecilia. And your words here resonate with me in so many ways.

Sometimes one day at a time isn't enough. Sometimes it's one hour at a time.

And old griefs are most certainly difficult to deal with, and the tendency to relapse to our old coping behaviors is often very powerful. I'm on Day 6 of abstinence, and even in this short time I've had to struggle with handling my feelings without my typical comfort substances (flour and sugar). I have a tremendous amount of anger, that I'm used to stuffing down with food (who'da thunk it? ha, ha).

And for you -- add to it all the stress of the holidays, memories, grief, and being a busy minister -- well, being gentle with yourself, and asking for help, sounds like just the right thing to do.

Peace, friend.

Sarah S-D said...

oh, dear c... anytime.

breathe.

may the therapist fit you in SOON.

and may the Spirit hold you through the grieving. you WILL get back on track. i KNOW it. you are AMAZING and strong and have already come so far... you will keep going.

i'm telling your lying, little mind to shut its freakin' trap. my lying, little mind needs to hear that quite often too.

love you.

August said...

Struggle away! That's what blogs are for... Well, mine is, anyway.

xoxo,
.august

Jennifer said...

....while you're being gentle with yourself today, why don't you remind yourself that you'll be gentle every step of the way, whether stepping forward or seemingly stepping back. Sometimes it is the fear that we won't be loved back in those old ways that pushes us back there--because we are so comfortable with the notion of being unlovable. So love, love, love all of yourself today and every day.

Jan said...

You can do it. Remember how Merton, among others, said we're always beginners? At least you're weighing and measuring your food--I need to start doing that!

LittleMary said...

well love, yes, one day at a time. one. day. glad you are getting back with the therapist.

Jane R said...

Good for you. And what I have found (not with the same issue but with things like recovery from depression some years ago and with some anxiety problems then and more recently) is that it's not oen day at a time, sometimes it's one hour at a time, or one minute... One tiny step. It's very hard. (((Cecilia))) It also makes a lot of sense to go back and do grief work. Grief comes back and bites you in the butt. Know that one too.

Do you think that it's hard for you to share and be good news? I have found (and observed also) that it is much easier to stay, or even slip back into, the old patterns (because they are familiar... they can be eating patterns, habits of mine, family interactions, or any number of other things) than to be in that new and more healthy, even joyful space. Because it's new! and different! and thus scary even if it is good and healthy and joyful.

If what I am saying makes no sense, disregard it. You will be the best judge.

I pray you will learn to trust yourself and that more and more you will love yourself and love yourself well. As Godde's beloved, you deserve no less.

Songbird said...

Today is a new day (sorry I'm late to this), and my prayer for you this day is that you feel ordered, rather than constrained, by the things that help you be the person you want to be. (((C)))

Sophia said...

(((Cecilia))) and prayers.

Sophia said...

Not sure if the last comment vanished, so....Love, admiration, prayers, (((C.))).

Jane R said...

Well, that was a Freudian slip! I meant to write "habits of mind" and I wrote "habits of mine."

Um, in case you thought you were the only one with "issues" these days ;-).

Love and solidarity,
J

Processing Counselor said...

I wonder if that therapist will see you. Most couples therapists who have seen the couple, won't see just one but will refer you on.