Remember all my postiness about diet and 12-step groups and related issues?
I am struggling. For the first time in a long time, since, say, back in April and May. I am on my fourth "Day 1" in about the space of ten days.
"That's what you get," said my mind to me as I sat down and tried to write this. "That's what you get for bragging."
I had an uneasy feeling after I posted the New Year's Day post, which was only made exponentially worse by the one in which I'd put my high weight out there the next day. The feeling was "You'll never make it. You'll never hold onto it. You'll slip and slide and gain it all back, just like you have each and every time before."
And I found myself over the last ten days slipping and sliding all over the place, like someone trying to navigate black ice on crutches. This morning I talked to my sponsor about it... again... and we agreed that I needed to make some changes.
One of them is that I'm getting back in touch with my therapist. Not with the one who got me into the 12-step program, the one I saw when my marriage was unraveling. I have spent the holidays living in echoes of that lost relationship, so much so that I have found myself really, really grieving.
At this point in the blogpost, I am going to feel under pressure to reiterate how much I am in love with Beloved, how she is one of the best things that ever happened to me, yada yada yada. You know it all. All true. But the other truth is this: I jumped into this relationship headfirst while I was still mired in devastating grief, and I simply walked away from the work that grief entailed. Not so smart, really. But you know the heart, and what Woody Allen says about it.
So today I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and I'm waiting for a call-back from that nice couples' therapist who I'm hoping will see me solo.
And also I'm weighing and measuring my food and striving to get through just this one day.
Thanks for listening.